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I feel like a failure. Like I can't control things. Like I can't rely on things.
My car is in the shop and I have to get to work this weekend. My roommate's schedule is off of mine, so she can't take me -- unless I want to stand around for 90 min in the freezing cold before my work opens, no thank you. An uber is $20-30. The bus takes over an hour and it's 3 buses. My coworker doesn't want to drive all the way to my neighborhood to pick me up. My partner is going to be out late partying tonight. And he LIKES me. I feel like that's the barometer. If the person who likes you won't even help you out at an inconvenient time, why would anyone else?
Why bother asking anyone else?
So in short I decided I'll bike to work tomorrow. Leave a little bit before 7. It'll be maybe 14 degrees. It's about 10 miles. Mostly downhill, at least getting there. Coming back will be more of a pain in the ass. I gathered up my kit tonight, made sure I had a bike lock and air in my tires. A safety vest and double mittens.
I still feel like a failure though. Like all I have to rely on is myself, and it's going to be hard and difficult and cold and sucky and I don't want to do it. I want to have options. I want to be able to pull options out of a hat. I want to hear Yes instead of No.
I feel like a failure all around. I can barely take care of myself, it seems like. I can barely hold back the tears. Please don't rely on me. I'll only let you down. I'll make you ride a bike in February in the cold. I won't have a backup plan. I'll let you down. I won't be able to manage, I'll only be able to cry.
Update: I cycled to work and it took ages. It was 9 degrees outside, but that didn't bother me too much. I only cried once. It was so frustrating to be so slow. It was so frustrating that my own power wasn't good enough to get me to work on time. I was 30 minutes late. I fell on the ice a few times. I felt so defeated and awful, physically and mentally.
The day before, someone said to me, "I'd offer you a ride but it's really far to go in the morning". And fair enough. But then they scolded me for riding a bike and not calling for a ride. Where is the line? At what point am I supposed to call? When does help come? I asked my partner about it, and he said "Well you do so much for other people, you gotta know that it's ok to ask for help and you should ask us for help". I said, "Were you going to get up at 7 am this saturday morning to drive me in?" And he said No. But I could have called an Uber. But that's not the same thing! I had options, Uber ($25) or ride my bike (free, and well within my capabilities). But how am I supposed to know that one is acceptable and one isn't? When will people say yes? What if I ask and they say no? Then I'll be doing the same thing I would have been doing anyway, only now I'm doing it with disappointment and shame in my heart.
My car is in the shop and I have to get to work this weekend. My roommate's schedule is off of mine, so she can't take me -- unless I want to stand around for 90 min in the freezing cold before my work opens, no thank you. An uber is $20-30. The bus takes over an hour and it's 3 buses. My coworker doesn't want to drive all the way to my neighborhood to pick me up. My partner is going to be out late partying tonight. And he LIKES me. I feel like that's the barometer. If the person who likes you won't even help you out at an inconvenient time, why would anyone else?
Why bother asking anyone else?
So in short I decided I'll bike to work tomorrow. Leave a little bit before 7. It'll be maybe 14 degrees. It's about 10 miles. Mostly downhill, at least getting there. Coming back will be more of a pain in the ass. I gathered up my kit tonight, made sure I had a bike lock and air in my tires. A safety vest and double mittens.
I still feel like a failure though. Like all I have to rely on is myself, and it's going to be hard and difficult and cold and sucky and I don't want to do it. I want to have options. I want to be able to pull options out of a hat. I want to hear Yes instead of No.
I feel like a failure all around. I can barely take care of myself, it seems like. I can barely hold back the tears. Please don't rely on me. I'll only let you down. I'll make you ride a bike in February in the cold. I won't have a backup plan. I'll let you down. I won't be able to manage, I'll only be able to cry.
Update: I cycled to work and it took ages. It was 9 degrees outside, but that didn't bother me too much. I only cried once. It was so frustrating to be so slow. It was so frustrating that my own power wasn't good enough to get me to work on time. I was 30 minutes late. I fell on the ice a few times. I felt so defeated and awful, physically and mentally.
The day before, someone said to me, "I'd offer you a ride but it's really far to go in the morning". And fair enough. But then they scolded me for riding a bike and not calling for a ride. Where is the line? At what point am I supposed to call? When does help come? I asked my partner about it, and he said "Well you do so much for other people, you gotta know that it's ok to ask for help and you should ask us for help". I said, "Were you going to get up at 7 am this saturday morning to drive me in?" And he said No. But I could have called an Uber. But that's not the same thing! I had options, Uber ($25) or ride my bike (free, and well within my capabilities). But how am I supposed to know that one is acceptable and one isn't? When will people say yes? What if I ask and they say no? Then I'll be doing the same thing I would have been doing anyway, only now I'm doing it with disappointment and shame in my heart.
